All the News That Isn’t for 2-27-12

Man, I wish I would’ve kept my Nike Air Foamposite One Galaxy’s.

The first J.K. Rowling adult book is out, Receding Potter and the Passing of the Stone.

Silent film star wins best actor when no one realizes he’s French.

Time to start thinking in terms of quarts of gas. Buck and a quarter gas is cheap!

When they start asking for 5 gallons of Obama you’ll know he’s in trouble on this gas thing.

The President did open up the south lawn of the White House to drilling.

With Maryland, 8 states all can marry; 48 conceal and carry.

After the veto, people in New Jersey will have to make the drive to New Hampshire like Vito in the Sopranos to get her done.

In the NBA, Lin some lose some. It ain’t Harvard.

In baseball, time will tell how Ryan Braun does without the sesame seed bagels.

A guy who looks like he plays softball for the Crystal Corner Tavern suddenly most valuable player. I’m just saying.

Sarah Palin finally takes the bridge to nowhere. Goes wee-wee-wee-wee all the way home.

There are two Americas and neither wants to see the John Edwards sex tape. That would be the VHS labeled “Don’t muss my hair!”

Sears–where’s Roebuck when you need him?

Sears now says lose or break your Craftsman tool–the hell with you.

In New York City, Mayor Bloomberg keeps tabs on Muslims while Jews and Congregationalists run free.

Romney plays down Mexican heritage in Arizona debate.

Santorum goes Reagan-lite.

The difference between Santorum and Reagan is Reagan didn’t call the US the evil empire.

Santorum apparently was a senator at one time, but so was Caligula’s horse. And the horse had a lot of ‘splaining to do about its record before being put out to pasture.

Gingrich down to promising 2 dollar a gallon gas and a free set of dishes with a fill up.

President Obama throws a fast ball right down the middle of the plate with “It’s easy to make phony promises.” Right in the old wheelhouse.

Introducing iPad3–with wings!

Google Googles self creating infinite loop of doom.

Pope confesses gay marriage not the birth control he was thinking of.
The priesthood, that’s the ticket.

Life immeasurably better after Dow hits 13,000.

Endangered Sandhill crane season coming to New Wisconsin–and yes, the ultralight aircraft in the lead is fair game . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Jeremy Lincessant

The NY Knicks Lincandescent point guard Jeremy Lin has trademarked Linsanity–next—

Linsipid
Lindifference
Linquiring
Lindividual
Lindiana
Linterest
Lincome
Linterrupt
Linvoke
Linjure
Linvoice
Lindeterminate
Lindex
Lindependence
Lindent
Lindemonstrable
Lindelible
Lindefatigable
Lindebted
Lincubate
Lincorrigible
Lincretion
Lincursion
Lintelligence
Lincense
Lincite
Linsight
Lincindiary
Linanimate
Lin & Lout
Linadvisable
&
Lincessant.

All the News That Isn’t for 2-20-12

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey vetoes same sex marriage despite being two same sex men.

Either need to let everybody do it or abolish marriage altogether. I’m leaning towards the latter.

On the upside, you can try to get a gay to marry you in 8 states now.

Newt Gingrich appears on milk cartons.

Callista’s Facebook status changes.

Apple raises pay of Chinese workers to 2 pot stickers and a steamed chicken foot.

iPads are being seized by the Chinese who play table tennis with them.

50 years ago today John Glenn made one 6th grader dream of being the first bar mitzvah boy in orbit.

Congress extends unemployment benefits to presidential candidates.

In Michigan, Romney counter-intuitively trashes autos in Detroit and tulips in Holland.

The Republican Contest–or, And Then There Were None.

You know they’re not constitutionally required to field a candidate. N/A will do.

As it stands right now, President Obama gets 99% of the Muslim vote.

The president has reached new heights of low popularity. Slightly ahead of Nixon in 1974.

Factory output jumps .7%. Jumps? Can you jump .7%? More of a shudder. Twitch, maybe.

Study concludes the US needs to manufacture more things we can’t afford to buy.

Homebuilder confidence is up–good because you don’t want a tentative guy up on the roof there.

On the upside, Whitney Houston gets a huge career bounce. And Bobby Brown doesn’t.

Chris Christie lowers the flags for Whitney, but would he have let her marry Beyonce? Forget about it.

Woman with a “cute figure” says TSA takes a picture so it will last longer.

Got the new full body scanner at the airport here and it’s very slimming.

Bishops say only acceptable contraception 3 Hail Mary’s and an Our Father.

A lot of Norwegians use lefse.

Among Jewish people the wife is considered a contraceptive.

After excavating everything north of Highway 29, the Wisconsin senate turns to draining the wetlands. Should have the state uninhabitable for man nor beast by the end of the governor’s first term. In Waupun.

At the rate for the 212 jobs the governor acquired @ $250,000 each, his promised goal of 250,000 jobs will cost the State of Wisconsin $6, 250,000,000. And worth every penny of it.

FDA calls erections lasting more than four hours on fake Levitra coincidence.

Jeremy Lin just about makes up for Yao Ming.

Iran having trouble with a foreign policy that doesn’t explode.

Thanks to Iran the Axis of Evil is now the Shaft of Evil.

Bain Capital wants its share of GM’s 7.6 billion or will see to it Chevys are made in Addis Ababa.

Joseph Kennedy III relaunches the brand.

Moody’s increasingly so.

Julian Assange harasses Marge, Wikileaks Homer on The Simpsons.

Undies bomber gets life in prison laundry.

Snickers downsized to Snick.

Man’s daughter returns laptop fire, shoots dad’s porno.

Rupert yells bloody Murdoch.

Santorum’s mother used aspirin for birth control, and

You just knew TCU was high in that Rose Bowl–we’re looking at a forfeit here . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Kids–bone up for Prof Wesley Smith’s Angels & Demons @ the Large Hadron Collider on this Saurday 18′s Whad’ya Know! Here are the lecture slides don’t ask how we got them. There will be a quiz!

angels_demons_wsmith

Being Between a Scott & a Tonette

MarriageProc2012

All the News That Isn’t January 30, 2012

1-30-12

President Obama is lucky he didn’t get a 21 gun salute from Arizona’s Jan Brewer.

I told her, Jan, if it’s a hassle, don’t pick me up at the airport. I can catch a cab.

At the President’s State of the Union, “yellow cake from Africa” joke falls flat.

Got a big unintentional laugh when he said Obama bin Laden.

The President called for banks to bring back socket wrenches and stadium blankets. Maybe pay enough interest to cover overdrafts.

Said the Navy will go green with baking soda and vinegar powered ships.

Suggested teachers make Chinese tires. May have heard that wrong.
You know, Chinese tires last a long time at those speeds.

Thanked GM for the new Barack Riviera.

Said he would circumvent congress with a calling center in Mumbai.

Will reduce the Pentagon to the Triangle.

The Navy Seals who freed the Somali hostages could not decompress in time for their gallery moment at the speech.

Response at the State of the Union was mixed. Mitch McConnell did not rise once, continuing to hang by his feet from the gallery, wings folded.

Didn’t help the President’s speech that the guide still said “Biggest Loser.”

Its shares rising above Exxon, we may now speak of the Apple Valdez.

Romney says his father, Jorge, was born in Mexico, self-deported to the US.
Technically they weren’t Mexicans they were Mormicans.

Republicans had the most fun in FL since they beat on the windows at the voting registrar.

Republican debate audiences can applaud but they can’t keep time.

Newt got a lot of the older vote in Florida who thought he was B.F. Goodrich.

Newt’s bold new vision: a Hershey Park on the moon financed by Freddie Mac.

Newt asked Callista if he could see Fannie Mae. And maybe Heidi Klum.

Gingrich pooh-poohs self-deportation promotes self-congratulation.

A discouraged Rick Santorum self-deports back to Italy.

Not so much the Republican Party as the Donner Party.

Asteroid buzzes the earth looking for Newt Gingrich.

Rand Paul stopped by TSA with family size tube of Crest taped to leg.

Starbucks now offers beer, wine and pot on the loading dock.

Twitter says there’s no such thing as free tweets.

Joe Biden can do a pretty good Indian call-center guy.

Arab League finished with Syria goes now to Demi Moore.

Wiki-Leaks dude Assange gets own show “I’ve Got Your Secrets.”

Italian cruise ship captain reassigned to Carnival Somalia.

Seal frees Heidi Klum.

Eurozone sold to Autozone.

On a pain scale from 1 to 10 men suffer their own 5 plus their wife’s 8.

Prince Fielder gets paid by the pound.

Eli Manning carries this little brother thing about as far as it can go.

Meryl Streep to play Glen Close.

Huge solar flare causes release of Romney returns and Gingrich indictments.

and, in Wisconsin, recall turns into windfall for Governor Walker, who gets $13 million just for being himself . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

+

Super Bowl in Korla, China

Super Bowl, Korla, China

Packer fans looking to be as far away as possible from Indianapolis on Super Bowl Sunday need look no farther than Korla, China, on the old Silk Road at the foot of the Tianshin mountains, exactly where a first down marker thrust through the globe at Lucas Oil Stadium exits. Subtropical Korla, average temperature 40.9 degrees in February, has many interesting sights to savor, among them the Bayhanbulak grassland with its famous yarn bearing sheep, the wonderfully eroded landscape of the Yadan Spectacle in Lop Nor, something, as the name suggests, to see, while Swan Lake is breathtaking even if the swans won’t be back until April (might be worth staying for their spectacular return depending on how the off season goes). Miss the Kizil Thousand Buddha Caves a stone’s throw away in Baicheng County, and, believe me, you’ll be kicking yourself all the way back to Wisconsin, should you eventually feel able to return. Korla has the added value of being absolutely off the internet highway, eliminating any possibility of scores, recaps or highlights being streamed anywhere close to you. You’ll want to make time for if not with the Loulan Beauty who could take your mind off pretty much anything; one can only guess how good she must have looked three thousand years ago, making a side trip into the Forbidden Zone to pay your respects less Forbidding.
Nestled in this the treasure land of the Taklan Maka desert, biggest in China, Korla is synonymous with the local sweet pear, although the little apricot in white will vie for your attention, and is widely regarded as the gateway to the Taklamakan oil fields. If it’s nationalities you’re after in your travels, you can’t beat Mongolian, Uygur, Han, Hazake, Hui, Kerkezi, Xibo, Tajike, Wuzibieki, Tatar, Dawoer, Manchu and Russian for variety, each with its own delightful ethnic cuisine and cultural practices. Getting there is easier than you might think–the outbound flight from O’Hare ($1767 roundtrip–cheaper than Fiji) leaving on February 4 arrives at 5:30 AM in Beijing on February 6, so you will have missed the entire unpleasantness in Indiana while cocooned on Air China. After a short air hop to Urumqi, you’ll feel like you’ve started life all over again on the pleasantly air conditioned (by the air) bus ride to Korla en route to the spanking new Korla Jianguo International Hotel on East Jiao Tong Road for, are you ready, 78 USD for a deluxe single, or, what the hey, 99 USD executive suite. Sweet is right–you’d swear you were at the Days Inn Lambeau. While hard to pin down, Korla’s nightlife along the banks of the Peacock River is described as colorful, which, frankly, is not often said of that of Indianapolis.

All the News That Isn’t for January 23

1-23-12

Let’s Stay Together theme for President Obama’s State of the Union.

South Carolina shows the nation what it’s made of by writing in Marianne Gingrich in the primary.

Now it’s on to Florida for Marianne where there are a huge number of ex-wives–and they vote.

Newt finessed any talk of his personal life by offering to have his tubes tied.

Newt did ask Callista about Heidi Klum.

Mitt once asked Ann for an open box of Ritz crackers.

Romney pays 15% for taxes, and tips 12% if the service is good. A smiley face on the check will not do it for Mitt Romney. Mitt has a 2 for 1 coupon, he tips on the one.

If folks like Newt Gingrich better than you something is terribly wrong.

President Obama announces the new Keystone Pipeline ride at Disneyworld.

Wouldn’t a Trans-Canada pipeline go across Canada, eh? This is more a Trans-Omaha pipeline.

Just have to truck the muck. They could use the tar sands to pave a road from Alberta to Baton Rouge.

The thought of being Canada’s sewer is appealing.

Perry leaves the race, Gingrich ranks swell by two.

Gingrich calls for open presidency–be able to see other countries.

Italian cruise ship captain blames la media d’elite.

What about Captain Clouseau–tripping and falling into the lifeboat.

He could sail all right but he couldn’t parallel dock.

Still no word from Kathie Lee.

I just thank God the Packers folded too late to take the Italian cruise.

Santorum declared winner in Iowa after 34 Iowans flushed out of corn.

A Chapter 11 Kodak moment.

Apple seizes grade schools, promises to raise kids like their own.

GM on top again, and GM says fins.

American Idol returns with Steven Tyler–dude look like an old lady.

Poor Paula Deen just sitting and staring at that Ultimate Fantasy Deep-Fried Cheesecake.

Does explain all that spun sugar hair.

Paula will be cooking for the Diabetes Association Annual Dinner.

Paula Deen will be the new voice on the talking glucose meter.

Russia offers to let next Mars probe fall on Iran.

In Wisconsin, enough signatures have been gathered to recall Scott, Tonette and the boys,

And the Green Bay Packers are spending their unexpected free time shoveling snow back into Lambeau Field . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Preview Barack Green State of Union

Barack Green!

5 Ways to Forget Packers-Giants Game

5 Easy Ways to Forget the Packers-Giants Game

1. Read a book published before 1919, the year Curly Lambeau first approached Acme Packing with an idea. The Magnificent Ambersons is a good choice, and The Land That Time Forgot even better. The Time Machine, conveniently written in 1895, has the added advantage of hurling you 800,000 years into the future, by which time the Manning line should be long extinguished.

2. It’s easy as pie to cut & paste the 12-6-11 Green Bay win over NY into the TiVo record as 1-15-12, after deleting all footage of Jake Ballard’s knee wherever it may have or may not have been, as well as all insights or inseams Joe Buck had on it. I forget–where did he play his ball? On the floor of daddy’s broadcast booth?

3. Rebirthing psychology offers some surefire techniques to call up your original birth trauma, which had to have been a lot, or at least a little, worse than Sunday. Might want to check with mom first–could have been an easy birth. Transcendental Meditation is supposed to work–I don’t know. I never get past thinking about it. Still have a copy of Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out? Why not try leafing through it for flashbacks, or, failing that, have yourself cryogenically frozen like Tim Leary until there’s a cure for the Packers secondary. Yoga postures are effective at releasing stress–I recommend head down dog at the snap of the ball. going either way.

4. A manic approach to handicrafts–birdhouses, quilts, lord’s prayer on rice grains, ceramics, ships in bottles, civil war miniatures, origami, working muskets, doll repair, rosemaling a nice herring plate–is never a bad idea if you need to be in a “whatever happened to the time?” place, but go at with abandon or you’ll keep seeing Charlie Peprah’s spinning head scanning for the ball (as Pam Oliver prophetically said: “One ball, so many guys!”)

5. Get a t shirt shooter and a pal and have him fire regulation footballs at you while you try to Jermichael Finley them with gloves on. If you don’t have latex football gloves, oven mitts will do nicely for home use. Don’t overdo it –just 3 or 4 times should convince you deep down that they weren’t drops so much as fending off Rodgers’ bullets in self-defense. So begins forgiveness.

Hope this helps.