The Farve Upon The Locker-Room Floor
with apologies to Hugh Antoine D’Arcy
You’ve treated me pretty kindly,
And I’d like to tell you how,
I came to be this broken heap, you see before you now.
As I told you once, I was a man
With muscle, frame and health,
Held every kind of record, amassing untold wealth.
To call me a passer, well I guess you could,
Gunslinger, more to the point, no one near as good.
Till the star- crossed time still in my hey-day,
When beady-eyed Ted Iscariot dissembled and betrayed.
Foul-fiend, cad and liar,
He’s the one should have retired.
Ere a year of misery had barely grayed my hair,
I was handed Broadway directly by the mayor.
Eight and three, boys, was my streak,
But the season did not end that week.
When it did it ended bad,
To see my visage replaced by Chad!
Revenge, boys, is best served hot,
Went and got my arthroscop.
Joined the horned men huge as sin,
Made to pillage not merely win.
And win we did boys and again,
Until the Saints came marching in.
Hand me the chalk I’ll scrawl the score,
Here upon this locker room floor.
Out crawled Childress, the supplicant,
On both knees he was no Bud Grant.
Like folks here say, said I might could,
And the usual old dogs hunt good.
On this trip, my home away from home,
Collapsed like the Metrodome.
Now little more than killing field,
Like Achilles, carried off on my shield.
That’s why I took to drink boys. Why, I never see you smile,
I thought you’d be amused boys, and laughing all the while.
Another drink and with chalk in hand, the vagabond began,
To sketch a bang eight with his claw-like hand.
Then, while using running back for pawn,
With a fearful shriek, he leaped and fell across the benches — gone!
But each night, for all us boys, the Gunslinger draws once more,
Like he did with his face upon the locker room floor.
Archive for December 2010
The Farve Upon The Locker-Room Floor
Ten Celebs We’re Tired Of in 2010
–In order of they gotta go–
1. Michael Cerra (Mickey Rooney perpetual kid of his generation—grow up or die)
2. Seth Rogan (now thin and not funny)
3. Meryl Streep (in every movie and animated film of 2001-2010, RIP)
4. The Kardashians (counts as 1—being chips off the old OJ shyster lawyer not nearly enough)
5. Twilight time for Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson (please—make them un-undead!)
6. Katy Perry and Russell Brand individually and as couple
7. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds (counts as 0—she is a waste of breasts, while the sexiest man alive looks like a young Chevy Chase with Neanderthal brow)
8. Kanye West and Taylor Swift (and their strange if boring Ying/Yang—not taking sides, both go)
9. Will Ferrell (love him, but you can’t be age 12 at this age and weight)
10. Christopher Nolan (directing career could all be a dream—commercials, who cares, but no more pseudo-profound, overrated crap like Inception—this is non-negotiable!)
In Defense of Santa Claus
The Christmas parade used to come right down Center Street in Milwaukee—a half block from our house—and one year, I was seven or eight, I crawled under one of the cream puff Pontiacs in the Uptown used car lot (our Christmas lights were the bulbs strung over the car lots endemic to our neighborhood) to sneak a peek at Santy. He wasn’t ours, of course, and when I crawled out from under the front bumper and he seemed to wave at me in passing, I felt like a fraud. It wasn’t a question of whether Santa existed or not, but more like whether I did. I had Santa envy, bad. Mom did take me to Gimbel’s to get my picture taken with him when I was about three (couldn’t find that picture when we cleaned out mom’s things—and it was the one I wanted most!) and one Chanukah we even hung stockings from the mantle, but it was a fake fireplace and nothing came of it. I remember thinking how great it would be if Santa could have worked both sides of the street; you know, first Christmas eve, then eight days schlepping presents from a Lincoln Town Car. Come to think of it, I don’t know which came first, the revelation that there may have been no Santa Claus or that we were Jewish and it was a moot point, anyway. For a while I thought Rabbi Twerski was our Santa Claus, since not only was he a ringer for him, but he was all sweetness, light, and generosity, although I never brought it up during my Bar Mitzvah studies.
In fact, St. Nicholas, with his white beard and black robes, very much resembled a rabbi, although it must be said that he was Bishop of Myra in the fourth century, in what is now Turkey. There, through his beneficence and courageous interventions on behalf of the poor and disenfranchised, he became the most venerated saint of the middle ages; protector of the poor, sailors, charitable and benevolent organizations, merchants, pawnbrokers (?), unmarried women and, above all, children, whose lives he saved and families he fed in his miracles. Nicholas was the benefactor of children in a time when childhood did not even exist, let alone any protections for the young. St. Nicholas gave away his personal fortune to those in need, riding into legend on a white horse, putting little tsatskes (toys) or lumps of coal, as appropriate, in children’s boots left outside their doors, sometimes accompanied by the scary ogre Krampus, bad cop to his good. Neglected after the Reformation, Nicholas holed up in Holland as Sinterklaas, and even adapted to the changing times, sailing into Amsterdam harbor at the wheel of a steamboat filled with presents and, of course, more than enough leftover coal. Sinterklaas sailed with the Dutch colonists to New Amsterdam, where, like so many immigrants, he was given an Americanized name, Santa Claus, and soon was recognized in the New World, as he had been in the Old, as the personification of benevolence, good will, and giving during Christmas, and other times as needed.
And still very much needed, don’t you think?
dwarf star (n.): a small star of low luminosity
Top Ten Dwarf Stars of 2010
Ranked by luminosity, lowest to highest.
10. Keenan Cahill: his viral video lip syncs Katy Perry better than she does.
9. Bethany Frankel: the Oh, Really, Housewife of New York worked it to find mate, conceive and have baby on-air to completely muffle other housewive’s thunder.
8. Vinny Guadagnino: possibly the smartest guy in Staten Island dumbed himself down nearly too far for Jersey Shore but came out the dark horse almost appealing cast member.
7. Olivia Blois Sharpe: from Jerseylicious big hair novice to head big hairdresser–and she sings the theme song.
6. Michaele Salahi: the you-can’t-help-but-dislike old school party crasher left the Housewives of DC in her dust.
5. Buddy Valastro: the can’t-be-this-dumb Cake Boss and pride of Hoboken whose masterpiece was a larger-than-life sized many-tiered cake of his wife she pretended to love.
4. Calvin Tran: From feared/hated by all “Oh here go hell come” boy on Bravo’s The Fashion Show to signature stores in LA, New York and Chicago.
3. Rachel Uchitel: parlayed stint with Tiger Woods for chance to put Celebrity Rehabber Dr. Drew in his place.
2. Kim Zolciak: Atlanta Housewife blossomed post-Big Daddy to become one of the worst singers of all time with da bomb “Tardy for the Party,”
And the number one Dwarf Star for 2010–
1. Antoine Dodson: “Hide your kids, hide your wife” for the rocket ride blasting from the Huntsville projects to the mega hit “Bed Intruder Song” iTunes video.
2010: 12 Months, 12 Jokes
January: Undies bomber had apparently found a way to combine miniature pretzels and 3 ounces of Diet Coke to make an explosive device.
February: Scientists discover Neanderthal teeth in very old glass on nightstand in Poland.
March: Chinese manage to hack Internet without being allowed on it.
April: Hacker on trial says he just guessed Sarah Palin’s password was “ubetcha.”
May: Thank God it wasn’t Yiddish Petroleum–we have enough trouble as it is.
June: South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford returns from another unannounced absence with rose still in his teeth.
July: Israel to allow Seder plates, halvah, and Streisand DVD’s into Gaza.
August: White House says President Obama is a Christian who prays daily, albeit on a little rug.
September: Missing Kennedy-Nixon ballots turn up in Kabul.
October: Kim Jong Il successor L’il Kim.
November: Qantas grounds planes after koala falls off fuselage.
December: President Obama forced to do Blazing Saddles sheriff routine to get away from a hostile crowd of Democrats.
. . . That’s All The 2010 News That Wasn’t . . .